| My Darling Fi, What do I love about you? Seeing you run up the field with Lou Lou. Seeing you lunge Renee, seeing you ride Renee, I love to see you putting out the washing, moving the rabbits, doing the washing up, walking across the room. Doing all the normal things in a normal day. Everything you do excites me and make me happy. I love watching you get dressed, looking wonderful, I love to brush your hair, smell your hair, I love touching you caressing your skin under my hand. I love you falling asleep in my arms with your legs accross mine, I love you for who you are a very special person. You are everything I have never found in any other woman. You do everything naturally, no airs and graces, just you. What I do know is I cannot live without you; life without you is no life at all. When I think of you I become very emotional and start to cry, it does not matter where I am I cry. I know you would not do this to me without being pushed very hard. I let you down a week last Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I was not my self as I was recovering from concussion. I don’t remember getting to the kitchen or you getting dressed. I was no use to you at all, by the time I recovered you were on your way to England and with no contact from you, I was in deep depression. What I do know is you are under very big pressure from your daughter and John. However any decisions taken based on pressure or untruths will only eat you up inside. If you are feeling half as bad as me you are feeling bad. Kayley will get over this but you should remember you are in control and cannot be told to do anything you do not want to. So you do not have to sleep with a man you do not love, a man whose' touch you cannot stand, whose teeth and breath are disgusting. No one can make you try to love him, as it will not work. If he wants sex with you and you say no and he still takes you it is rape. In France they lock people up for raping their wife. If Kayley is putting pressure on you to sleep with him she is wrong because she does not know better. Kayley was upset, yes, but what has happened has happened and she will get over it. She had little respect for you as a daddy’s girl and now she has even less. She does not think of you as Mum any more but thinks of you as her; someone that daddy gets pleasure from by tormenting you. She thinks you have hurt her Dad and she will never forgive you for that. You got upset when I worried about you leaving John, you wanted to know what to do to give my sisters confidence in our relationship and hear we are trying to give up the one person who believes in you totally, trusts you totally and loves you totally. Do I mean that little to you. My worry now is that you did not contact me, except in England from a call box. This tells me you have been told not to contact me, no one can do that to you, that is your decision and no one else’s. One of your last texts to me says"u r very special 2 me I’m sure it shows. if i can't c u it hurts like hell but i am always in your heart and holding your hand" This is very special to me and I cherish all your words. When you proposed to me on February 29th and I accepted, our song where it says "I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do. I will be strong I will be faithful 'cos I'm counting on a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning." I am now thinking you are putting your self back into misery and unhappiness. As far as I am concerned I have nothing more to live for as I cannot live without contact with you. I want you here with me so I can protect you. Kayley cannot use you to keep her father happy, it is not possible. In the future she will realise what she has done and become very bitter. You need to talk to her women to women, without John being anywhere near. Any decision should only be taken without any stress from anywhere, John’s parents, your parents, Kayley, John. You are in total control because you are the key. If Kayley wants you in her life she has to accept compromise. If Kayley wants you in her Fathers life she has to accept compromise. You need to tell kayley the truth. That you love her and want to stay with her. You need to explain you do not love John and this has been the situation for a long time. You will stay with John and Kayley but you cannot cope with being man and wife anymore. You need to explain that loving someone is very special and she will experience this in the future and you want to be there for Kayley when that happens. Kayley needs to know you love me and this has not been a casual fling but a long-term relationship. Decisions based on falsehoods will only destroy you. You need to tell Kayley even though you love me you are prepared to stay with Kayley for as long as she needs you. But Kayley needs to know that being in love is not easy and you need to see that person to stay alive. You need to explain to Kayley that her happiness is the most important thing for you but living a lie cannot be part of that happiness. Where John is concerned you need to tell him you do not love him and you need to sleep apart. You need to tell him you love me and that is why you cannot continue to live a lie. You are prepared to live with John for Kay ley’s sake but cannot sleep with him. To give you the strength to do this you need to be able to see me. You need to tell John the truth as he cannot do anything about is as it is a fact. You are in control do not loose that control by agreeing to do things for the wrong reasons. People need to let you make your own decisions, as it is your marriage, your daughter and your love affair. They need to support you in your decisions what ever they are. You can agree to anything but to do so and discard me without telling the truth is very strange and I cannot believe this of you. I deserve an explanation other wise grief will turn to deppression and there will be nothing left of me.
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